Friday, March 11, 2011

Mental Breakdown.

9.3.2011 and 10.3.2011

These dates will make me realise how high is the sky and how low is the ground. These dates will make me remember myself better and made me know what it feels like to step on others world. These dates made me selfish, ignorants, betrayel, snob, angry and a f**k-ed up person. These dates had made me to make a promise with the person I trust on what I'm saying to her but she broke it on the next day. These dates too made my life miserable as I'm about ( not about anymore, it's already happened ) to lose all my classmates. I'm having a mental breakdown for what just happened. In a blink of an eye, evreythings gone. From a word of a mouth, everythings vanished. From a broken promise, there will be no trust anymore.

For me, it was a good idea. For others, it's not. For those victims, it's HELL. For the lecturer, it's advantage. This was my first time I made a deal with the lecturer and instead she took advantage of it and now I know that for what ever reason, or how nice a lecturer can be, YOU CAN NEVER TRUST A LECTURER.

Want to know what I did? I told the lecturer that some of the students CHEATED on in midterm exam. It was supposed to be beetwen me and a friend with this lecturer. But, somehow, there were many involved though I didn't drag them through all the stages. I too made them promise not to tell, but, as you know, people might just spilled the beans.

What hurts me the most was the broken promise. Maybe all of you will said that, "You shouldn't care what others do." Yes, I shouldn't. But, I'm tired of the high grades that they get for every exams. For me it's unfair, but for others, who cares? We graduate later individually, they will get job individually and it doesn't effect my marks. So, right now, I'm thinking, did I do the right thing by telling the lecturer the truth?

I have no idea. If it was just beetween me, a friend and the lecturer, I think it WOULD be okay. But I didn't know that she was pissed-off with our class that she told other lecurer aka the Dean of our faculty and the coordinator. And for no reason she even interupted herself on saying that the victims involved, especially those related to Faculty Group Comitte, should step down from his position. WHY? He just cheated on his exams not corrupting group's money or whatever. It's just doesn't make sense. The only reason I told the lecturer was so that she can just slashed one or two marks. that's it. Not making it as a BIG fuss. I'm so dissapointed to the lecturer as my friends dissapointed with me. I'm a big-fat-betrayed person. So, the story flows widely and fast. Other lectures already knew without us telling the real story, the real situation. Although the coordinator came in the class yesterday to settle this case, but i think it wouldn't be solved, for like, forever. People said, what you did good, is invisible, people don't care. But if you did a bad thing, suddenly people started to talk about it and starting to spread the rumours.

I couldn't face any students which in the same course. I'm embarrased. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm hurt. As I said, I have a mental breakdown. I've cried for long hours that I couldn't opened my eyes this morning.

Dear Allah, am I doing the right thing? If yes, why am I feeling this way?

All I want is just their marks being slashed without anyone knowing. But, maybe this time I couldn't get what I want. Well, not everything is achievable. All the texting on phones and comments on facebook really does break me down.

Some said, "Congrtas, you've just got your justice. And hopefully the justice will be the same to you."

Some even, "What did I ever do wrong to you?" You didn't do anything. It wasn't supposed to be like this. But you guys will never understand the truth behind all of this.

It's not drama. I'm really sincere in apologizing to you. I don't how to say it anymore.

It's not that I love seeing you guys fall, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

I've never intended to envy those yang teratas. Never.
I've never intended also to 'aibkan' those people. It was supposed to be a secret.

I'm sorry. I didn't see this coming in the future. I'm sorry.

I don't want to be on top or famous or whatever.
I didn't meaan for this to happened.

I'm not faking it while I'm with you guys. I'm sorry.

Faten, I'm sorry.
Eventhough, this is just an application in FB, but you still considered it as real.
I'm sorry.

News run faster than a cheetah.

I thought it was a good decision, instead, it is a bad one.
And I'm regretting it.
I agree with you. What good things we've done, no one knows.
But when it comes to the other side, seems like everybody cares.

I tak dengki. I just nk markah diorg dipotong saja.
Itu saja. Tanpa diorg tahu. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry Iky.

I xd niat nk aibkan orang, serius xd niat langsung.
Ini sepatutnya rahsia. Tp korg xkn phm.

I xd niat aibkn org.

Betul. I memang bodoh dalam segi perikemanusiaan.

Too much drama.

I xdengki. I xnk aibkan org.

See. Cepatkan gossip berjalan.

I xtau nk ckp apa.

Before the incident occured, I did managed to apologized to them. But seems everyone was plastic, so infront of me, they said, "It's ok. Chill lah. Salah kitorg." , "Jgn la nanges, everythings going to be fine." , "Chill. Chill. Nnt ok lah tuh."

I couldn't understand why everyone didn't get mad at me. But suddenly they exploded with a big bang. I was shocked, but this is what the consequences that I have to live for the rest of my life. Once again, I'm sorry.

And I understand that I'm being hated.

Ya Allah, hamba mohon pada-MU, pinjamkanlah hamba kekuatan-MU, ya Allah. Moga hamba mampu menjalani hari-hari yang akan datang ini, Ya Allah. Ya Allah, kuatkanlah semangat hambamu ini, Ya Allah. Hamba sangat kecik berbanding mu, Ya Allah. Hamba terima ini semua sebagai dugaan-MU, Ya Allah. Lindugi lah hamba dari segala kecelakaan, Ya Allah. Hamba mohon pada-Mu Ya Allah, ampunilah dosaku Ya Allah. Dosa kawan-kawanku Ya Allah.

1 comment:

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